Before I begin, Lexi is fine; she had a ROUGH night last night, but had no fever at all today, so I think the worst is behind us (fingers crossed).
I have a confession to make: I am feeling a bit bummed.
Nothing happened today, but I think that's part of the problem: nothing happened today.
Deeper than that, though, I have figured out what is REALLY bothering me, deep down inside:
I am not afraid to fail at something. I'm not used to it, sure; but the concept doesn't bother me. The only people who haven't failed at something are people who never tried anything worth doing.
I'm also pretty much immune to other people's opinions and criticisms of me and what I do. What I'm actually quite worried about is, letting down the people I care about, and that includes you.
It doesn't bother me that my big goals have yet to manifest, even though I'm nearing my deadline, the fact is I picked that number out of the sky; if God wants to give me those things in 6 months, a year, 10 years, or more I'll be thankful and grateful when they manifest.
What bothers me is the idea that I can let down my family who depends on me to provide for them, and for you and my friends who rely on me for inspiration. I worry that people will look at my difficulties and see it as proof as what they *can't * do, instead of what they CAN do.
I feel like I have all kinds of power, brains, and talent inside of me, but I can't FORCE things into being; trying to force it only pushes it further away.
And while it might be a bit taxing or frustrating at times, I can tell you with absolute certainty I've done absolutely everything I can, every single day over these last few months, and will continue to do so in the future.
I don't think it's a secret that I intend to be someone who has major impact on this world, and as I look back over the lives of successful people across time it's always an uphill climb.
It may just be that God wants me to have a more interesting story to tell at the end; “I won the lottery†is nowhere near as interesting as a step by step journey to the top.
So I'll make a deal with you: you don't give up on me, and I won't give up on you; and in the very near future why all of this had to happen will make sense.
(Don't forget: Oprah auditions are still going on; please vote often (you can do it many times, on multiple days); if you aren't a US Resident please leave a comment!)
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And remember:
Never give up, never give up, never ever ever give up.
B. Dave Walters
*National* Spirituality Column:
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